Question to Spicy Gear's Experts - Sex with my wife has become non-existent. Mainly my fault. I have become tired of satisfying her, and not receiving the same satisfaction back. Simply put, she doesn't try to excite me at all. I have grown bitter and refuse to continue with this charade. Taking care of her when it isn't returned sucks. She never touches me, period. It's as if I don't exist. Oral sex, Hell No! First it was she didn't like the taste, well I don't know how she could say that unless it was with someone else, as she didn't taste me, Duh? I bought rubbers, but then she said it hurt her neck and stopped in the middle. Refusing to try a different position. She is not open to anything new, and now claims she asked her sister about oral, who replied it's unnatural and nobody does that. Every woman I was with prior to her, enjoyed doing that for me. I guess I have to either leave her or find a girl friend, which she has accused me of because I refuse to satisfy her anymore. Countless discussions have only turned into arguments. Any other ideas before I leave? I have had enough of this one sided relationship.
It saddens me when I hear stories such as yours because the sexual component of a love partnership is so important yet often suffers in silence. Couples can go on for years ignoring the problems in their sexual relationship resulting in an erosion of the bond between them. Such erosion seems to have happened in your case to a point where you are willing to consider ending the marriage.
There are so many factors that can lead to the circumstances you describe. There is a difference between sexual desire and arousal. A woman may have low desire but is capable of experiencing arousal and orgasm with adequate stimulation. I believe you are describing low desire in your wife. In other words, her appetite for sex is low which would account for her disinterest. Arousal may only be adequate enough for generalized "satisfaction" but not enough to motivate her to be more active in the process.
For women, arousal and desire can be effected by dissatisfaction in the level of emotional intimacy in the relationship, stress, fatigue, difficulties integrating the contrasting roles of mother and lover, religious beliefs and past sexual trauma. Also, there are medical factors to consider such as diabetes, thyroid, hysterectomy, menopause, depression, or if she is taking medications for certain medical conditions (i.e. depression, hypertension).
Before you walk out, I recommend that you try to talk openly with her about how you feel, what your needs are, and your thoughts regarding ending the marriage. Express to her your desire to improve the relationship so to avoid a divorce and then seek couples therapy with a qualified sex therapist. My wishes for you is that you and your wife are willing to face your challenges together. Things can improve. There is hope!!!
Question answered by Spicy Gear's Sex Therapist Lynne Santiago, MS, LMHC
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