Sexless marriages are often basically good marriages.
Sexless marriages can even become excellent, sexually satisfying ones – provided wives take the first steps to solve the problem.
New research on good marriages that become sexless, chiefly by Post-Jungian psychologists and psychotherapists, indicate it is the wife who must start the healing process.
This does not mean that it is the woman who is at fault. In fact, psychologists are now telling us that often neither party is at fault. The causes often lie deep within the unconscious inner lives of the man and woman who marry.
So, why must a woman start the healing process? And what can she do?
Ladies, for the moment forget the toots and whistles, the sex toys, perfumed candles, incense and sexy lingerie. Don't turn first to soft music, losing weight, an alluring tattoo and exotic makeup. You have another job up front if you want one day to enjoy physical sex with a husband who has lost interest in making love to you.
Post-Jungian psychotherapists, such as John Sanford, tell us not to expect long-term satisfying physical sex from a man who does not acknowledge his emotions. Nor from a man who does not share and express his emotions – with you, with your children, or with his friends.
And do not expect a good marriage that has gone sexless to heal itself if your husband does not relate honestly and intimately with you.
A raw natural energy within your husband Jung called a man's Anima may be taking revenge unconsciously within him, cutting off his interest in you and in physical sex with you.
Why?
It may be hard to believe, but your husband was born with this energy or psychic entity or power. It is meant to mature during his lifetime and become his Muse. However, a man must please it by developing his feminine side.
So what that means practically speaking is that a man must recognize and admit his feelings and emotions, first of all to himself. And it also means learning to share these feelings at least with his wife, and with his children.
If he doesn't express his feelings openly, but represses them in favor of logic, strategy and willpower, his Anima will "take offense" and unconsciously and autonomously (that is, without his awareness or consent) work to ruin his sex life, perhaps even his marriage. And this little-understood unconscious power is strong enough to do that – even powerful enough to lead a man to suicide.
So a woman's first job, if she does want to enjoy a life of physical sex with her husband, is in some way seduce her husband to feel – to feel his feelings and his emotions – and to share them with her.
On a practical level, she must avoid intellectual discussions with her husband about his job, the economy, politics, or anything, really. That only feeds and fuels his mind, drawing energy away from his lower body.
Instead, she must ignite his feeling life by relentlessly expressing her own emotions, gradually showing him by her example that emotions are nothing to fear and easy to express.
Surprisingly, this may mean accepting him at his current emotional age, rather than his actual age. A fifty-year old man may be stuck at the emotional age of seven. (Many men are!)
A wise woman will then relate to the seven-year old boy she has married, and plan emotionally fun-at-that-age activities to share with him. A very popular one is, believe it or not, decorating cookies with him!
So many men secretly would love to do this because they loved or would have loved to do this with their mothers, but don't dare approach the subject with their wives. It doesn't match their actual age, nor is it manly!
Changing his mind is up to his wife. Just think of fun things a young boy loves to do with his mother, and a wife has a good beginning toward awakening the emotional life of her husband, and encouraging him to share these feelings with her.
Physical sex may then still be perhaps a long way off – but chances are it is far closer than it ever was before.
Francine Juhasz, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist who has an online e-counseling practice specializing in marital relationships and sexual satisfaction (http://www.evolvingtowardjoy.syncscapes.com/Counseling.htm). A university educator, she has taught courses in the psychological and emotional aspects of sexuality for more than thirty years. During her many years in France, Spain and the Netherlands, she worked with post-Jungian psychologists, forming and testing avant-garde theories on why good marriages go wrong, and developing new solutions to this age-old problem. Her book, Taming the Thug Within: Sure Cure for Women's Self-Love, outlines in detail, with many practical exercises, what a woman can do to bring sex back into her marriage. It brings to light the deeper issues within both the woman and the man which can kill or facilitate sexual desire and satisfaction and is available on her website, http://www.evolvingtowardjoy.syncscapes.com
